By: Ignatius Fernandez

For it is in pardoning we rise above animals. It is in forgiving we find our human nature – Joe Mannath.

Some years ago, in a city on the West Coast of the US, Julian Motheral was filling fuel into his car, when a young mugger, gun in hand, jumped him. Within seconds Julian was shot through his spine. Despite the best medical attention, he was totally paralysed. He even contemplated suicide. A deeply religious person begged him to read the passion and death of Jesus, which he did, to let an inexplicable transformation come upon him. As a changed man, he wrote an article for Guideposts Magazine, addressed to: Someone out there. An extract reads: Until that night I could walk on moonlit nights with my wife. I could run and play with my son. Ever since you put a bullet in my spine, I have not been able to do any of these things. I do not know your name. Do I forgive you? By myself, I couldn’t. But when I remembered Jesus on the cross, I found I could pray: ‘Father, forgive the boy who shot me, for he didn’t realize what he was doing’.

Julian could not cultivate the spirit of forgiveness on his own. He needed God’s help. When the partnership with God was sealed, he gained the power to forgive. How do we think? We are bent on punishing those who offend us. Then what? Life goes on. Not one wee bit is changed except that our hearts reek of hatred. Doubtless, there is a smug satisfaction in putting down the offender. But there is hidden danger – the offender could pull out long knives, as we did. The blame-game will not stop and the battle will not end.

With God’s help how shall we end an endless game? Change tack by recognizing how futile it is. We have spiritual persuasion from (a) Jesus on the cross and (b) Saint Stephen who forgave his persecutors (Saul included) as he was being stoned (c) and the Lord’s Prayer where God’s forgiveness is conditional to our forgiving others. To the spiritual reasons that are compelling, let us add eight rational arguments that debunk retribution:

1) Against those who are strong and powerful, we endure pain and humiliation without much protest. With the boss who is autocratic, we suffer in silence since he has power over our jobs. With an abusive husband the wife is weak, because he is physically stronger than she is. It is not that we are rid of vengeful thoughts against these villains; it is just that we cannot carry out our hate-filled plans, fearing consequences. That behavior begs a question: Are we cowards who will shoot our poisoned darts only at the weak and carefully avoid the strong?

2) Medical research concludes that in many cases stress-related health problems like hypertension, ulcers, nervous disorders and heart dysfunction are triggered by deep-seated hatred. Through hating are we willing to hurt ourselves more than we hurt others?

3) Corporate findings point to lower levels of performance by employees who hatch plots against their offending associates because their minds are not on the job but on retribution. Would we want our careers to be endangered?

4) When will the cycle of tit-for-tat end? In some families the feud passes from father to son, to grandson. Units in the extended family take sides and battles lines are redrawn each time a new generation takes over. When hatred settles in and enters the blood and marrow, no chemotherapy can rid the system of it.

5) Retaliation is another form of stooping to conquer because we descend from the pedestals we imagine we occupy, to plot the downfall of those who offend us. Shouldn’t we have nobler aspirations?

6) Thomas A. Kempis, in his edifying book, The Imitation of Christ, marshals an argument that we cannot dispute: If all should be said against me that the malice of men could invent, what hurt could it do to me, if I let it pass and value it no more than a straw? Could their words pluck one hair from my head? In effect Kempis is giving us a two word formula – anger management. Let us ponder his words. When people hurt us we get angry. Harsh words escape our lips; and we act abnormally. We regret our actions, but will not apologize. Instead, we expect the one who hurt us to beg our forgiveness, which will not happen. In both cases pride stands in the way. Our exaggerated sense of importance will not brook an offense. Our pride demands retribution.

7) Goethe has wise words for us: I see no fault that I might not have committed myself. When we realize that we are as error-prone as others, we begin to look at their faults with compassion and not accusation. We are at the same level. Joining hands we can climb to the next level of goodness.

8) The clinching argument is that we seek forgiveness from God and others, but are tardy in forgiving others. How would we respond to the label of double standards being fixed on us?

To sum up, tit-for-tat does not make sense. Gandhi sensibly argued that the world would go blind if we followed the axiom: an eye for an eye.  What does make sense is forgiveness. Why? We walk behind Jesus because we love Him. We forgive because we accept the Fatherhood of God and the brotherhood of man. We are a big family where the wrongs of one are not held against him, but forgiven with a loving heart. But forgiveness does not come easy. Only the courageous can forgive; not cowards.

Take the case of my neighbour who parks his car so close to mine, that I cannot enter the car through the right door. I have requested him to leave more space when he parks. He promises to, but never does. Is he envious of my car which is a model better than his? Or, does he imagine that I am weak and can be bullied? How do I react? I have the option of damaging his car, so that he knows that he cannot walk over me. But such action will prompt retaliation – he could badly damage my car. This tussle will result in Police complaints, Insurance problems and needless tension. There is another option. I could send him an inexpensive gift (like a popular book) with a short note reading: I bear you no grudge for the way you park your car. May you have a pleasant journey in life! God bless. I must mean what I write and what I do; otherwise my action will be explained away as a strategy and will backfire. We could adopt the same approach at home, in the work place and in our huge network. When people are valued and respected they respond positively.

When we forgive there are some advantages: one, the offender is stunned; he expected retaliation; instead, he received pardon; two, because of that he is in our debt – that would embarrass him; three, we stop carrying around a load of bad memories and pain – instead, we cast away that load and resume our lives with no hint of the incident; four, without intending to, we grow taller in our eyes and in the eyes of the offender. No doubt, the practical benefits of forgiving outweigh the sadistic pleasure that retaliation offers.

There is a slight twist that Saint Paul gives forgiveness: we heap burning coals on the head of the one we forgive. The forgiven is in perpetual debt of the forgiver.  That is precisely what the Korean mother did. Her only son was killed, stabbed 17 times. She wanted the killer destroyed. A member of her group implored her to join them in a prayer session. Reluctantly she went. At Church she beseeched God to give her strength to cope with her sorrow. Suddenly, she stood up and cried out aloud that she had forgiven the killer. Those around her were speechless. Was she touched by God’s grace? Were they witnessing a miracle? To crown her act of forgiveness, she went to the killer’s prison cell and announced that she would adopt him. Burning coal was heaped on the killer’s head as he tried to understand why he was forgiven. She had her revenge without spilling blood.

 Renoir, the great French painter, suffered from arthritis which gnarled his fingers. Matisse, his artist friend watched sadly as Renoir, holding a brush with only his fingertips continued to paint, although each movement caused him stabbing pain. One day Matisse asked Renoir why he painted with so much pain. Renoir replied: The pain passes, but the beauty remains.

The pain of being wronged passes, but the beauty of forgiveness remains. Julian and the Korean mother found beauty in forgiveness. Are we prepared to find it in the same way?

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Ignatius Fernandez is a professor, corporate trainer, senior corporate professional, speaker, and an author.