By: Linda M Crate

eliminating myself

i know this is about you
not me,
but i cannot pretend it doesn’t hurt;
to know i care about someone
who doesn’t care about me is painful
to know i’m a choice
not a priority
is hurtful—
so go ahead and be selective
i admitted it is your prerogative
just don’t expect me to sit here
waiting until you need me
because i am done
wasting my time
on people
who don’t care about how they hurt me,
and it wounds me the most because
i was the one that cared;
would’ve done anything for you
tried to give you distance when i sensed
you might need it
go ahead and be selective
i will just eliminate myself as a choice
should make your selection
easier.

###

you didn’t see me as a person

if you think i’m going to applaud you
for making minimal effort
to communicate
you’re wrong, you’ve been a crappy friend;
but i suppose it goes to reason
you just see me as a name and words behind a screen
when i saw you as an actual person and a friend—
i guess the price of caring is pain,
and sometimes i wish
i could care less;
but that’s not who i am—
i always saw you as a person
wish you could’ve given me the same courtesy
i know not everyone has the same heart as i do,
but we shared so much in common
that i thought maybe
you’d understand;
seems i was wrong yet again
don’t really know how to keep opening up my heart
since i give it to the wrong people always—
i know everyone will hurt you in some way,
but i don’t know if i have found anyone worth suffering for.

###

a queen you cannot conquer

they want me to fold to their whims, but i have never been one to submit to anyone; defiant and passionate my path is my own—i have been told i am difficult and stubborn, but why be easily swayed? all my life i have been told i should care what people think, i don’t; and i am not sorry for it in the least—they think threats and rudeness will get me to cave into their wants, but you get more flies with honey than vinegar; i’ve got enough salt of my own don’t need their oceans—they want to drown me in their need, but i am a fire that cannot be put out and an ocean that devours other oceans; there’s no way to conquer this queen.

###

learn to save yourself

entitled little girl
thinking the world owes you everything
one day you will learn
that mummy cannot always save you,
and you are going to have to face life alone;
don’t think i will have empathy
or show you mercy
because we’ve all suffered
you’re not special in that regard—
being bipolar isn’t an excuse
for your poor behavior
there are others that have bipolar disorder
holding it together just fine despite all their problems,
and so don’t think mother can just always run in
save you from every employer who will fire you;
you’ll be working here for the rest of your life
because no one else is going to put
up with your crap—
if it were up to me you’d be gone
because you do nothing when you do “work”
must be nice to get a free pass
because your mother’s a manager,
one day you’re going to have to learn to save
yourself;
the world isn’t always going to be kind
especially to someone unkind as you.

###

just give me spring

the songs of winter are still here
blades of snow still falling,
still wilting flowers;
it is as if
spring came prematurely
winter is putting her in her place;
all i know is i am sick of nice weather
then bad weather and then good weather again—
either spring is here
or it’s not
can we not stay in this awkward
stage of in-between?
reminds me of being a teenager
not quite a child, not quite an adult
just something between;
sharp shards of glass cutting you
until you bleed
down seems up and up seems down
never could quite catch a break—
then suddenly it is over,
and you graduate;
they say you’ll miss those days
it’s not true
because i never do—
just give me spring
not any promises.

###

regardless, let me know

if you could taste the words you say,
would you ever speak?

i try to keep the peace,
but there is a war in my heart
threatening to break out;

you cannot treat me with such
blatant disrespect
expecting my allegiance and loyalty
because i am not stupid
i know the things you say behind my back—

guess my name must taste
pretty good in your mouth,

but i am still going to ask you to stop saying it;

i am not in the mood
for your endless lies and demands
longer than the longest grocery list

i am sick of finding ways to shop for ways
for you to like me—

either you do or you don’t
regardless let me know
so i can stop spinning here like a compass
without a place to navigate to
because being trapped somewhere you don’t belong
is like gnawing off your tongue for eternity.