Story: Intimate Apparel Thieves From Outer Space

By: Michael C. Keith

Everyone’s quick to blame the alien.
–– Aeschylus

Agnes was returning from shopping when she noticed something odd hovering over her house. At first she thought it was a large bird, but then she realized it had no wings. How can something fly without wings? she asked herself, taking a closer look. It wasn’t until she reached the walkway leading to the front door of her condo that it became clear to her that it was a UFO. A metal platform extended from it to her second floor bedroom. “Oh no!” she blurted and ran into her house and up the stairs. As soon as she reached her bedroom, she threw the door open and stepped in. A blinding light greeted her, causing her to freeze in her tracks. When the light faded, she surveyed her surroundings. Everything looked in order and the object that had been outside the window had vanished. It wasn’t until two days later as Agnes was preparing for a party that she noticed her cherished Star Trek faux fur rabbits-foot pasties were missing. Furious at finding them gone, she went to the window, opened it, and shrieked toward the heavens. “YOU FUCKERS BRING THOSE NIPPLE COVERS BACK!”


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