By: Chuck Orloski

(The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania Primary)

I want to donate my liver to the Marketplace,
take Performance Enhancing Drugs,
pop a Cuban kid out of Howard J. Lamade!
I want a chance to binge in Mosul,
I want to do as I’m cabaret told,
kick gang ass in Punxsutawney,
go to bathroom in an emerging market,
I want Redskins name changed to Ulcers.

O what the hell… go for it?

I want to incarcerate kids for cash,
I want email inboxes flooded with porn,
I want to succeed in part time servitude,
I want Dr. Zoroaster to prescribe Sensimilla,
I want Jerry Sandusky transferred to Rome,
I want ex-Governor Ridge to bathe me in green.

Pollsters shall wish they never dialed my name!

I want to violate Harrisburg potentates,
invade Hazleton “because they are free.”
I want Elivira Nabiullina hired to cook my books,
(I liked the odds for Milton J. Shapp’s presidency),
I want to consummate a will in a Quecreek Mine,
leave all inundation to the Liquor Control Board,
I want to fertilize a low skilled worker.

Losses for nominees are victories for all!

I want my gin vote counted on the Pocono rocks
and subtracted on Colorado Coors mountain ice.
I want to take a selfie of my downsized penis
and help make Altoona hypnotists rise again.
I want Joe Willie Namath thrown
to lioness Attorney General Kathleen Kane,
I want to subpoena Linda Tripp’s undies,
I want a 3-day drunk in Allentown, a Pirate hat,
I want to run before Scranton Speakeasies hit bottom…
O how I want to triumph over such cruel April hang over!