Life is a tale told by an idiot – A Play
By: Balu George
A hefty man in his mid 60’s in a t-shirt and jogging shorts can be seen opening the gate. This is Gopalan, a lawyer, proprietor of a law firm past its glory years. The firm built up by his father who died 10 years back is failing. He is quite an inept lawyer, and lives off the money left behind by his father. He rings the doorbell and is let in by a maid.
On an armchair in the living room sits his wife Seema, a retired English professor. She is wearing a blue nightgown and nursing a glass of vodka. She is also smoking.
Gopalan
Does it look like I have lost weight?
Seema
How many days has it been since you started jogging?
Gopalan
You know very well, today is my first day.
Seema
Seems like you have lost a kilo or two.
Gopalan
Really?
Seema does not answer and continues sipping on her vodka.
Gopalan
Rajesh is coming home today evening.
Seema
Our son left his job?
Gopalan
He says he is quite fed of being a rocket scientist at NASA.
Seema
What about his wife and son?
Gopalan
His wife has left to Tibet to learn how to levitate. He says his son wants to shoot his classmates in school, so has flown off to Syria to learn how to shoot guns.
Seema
Great.
Gopalan
Do you think I should join a gym?
Seema
Who is the new secretary Gopalan?
Gopalan
I love you Seema.
Seema
Life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
Gopalan
What?
Seema does not answer and continues drinking her vodka.
Interior – Gopalan’s car – Cochin – Morning.
Douglas, Gopalan’s driver is at the wheels. Douglas is about the same age as Gopalan and is his driver as well as man-Friday. He left his native town after stabbing another man for refusing to pay up on a bet and has been Gopalan’s driver since then. Gopalan is sitting at the back.
Gopalan
Is Claire married?
Douglas
The new secretary?
Gopalan
Yes.
Douglas
No Sir.
Gopalan
Where does she live?
Douglas
She lives in a ladies hostel Sir.
Gopalan
Do you think I have a chance with her Douglas?
Douglas
As good as Trump becoming president Sir, as good as India becoming a superpower and as good as that bastard Sateeshan paying up on the bet.
Gopalan
Trump became the president, India will be a superpower by 2020. Now who the bloody hell is Sateeshan? So you think I have my chances.
Douglas
Yes Sir.
Interior – Ladies hostel – Cochin – Morning.
A girl in her 20’s is looking in the mirror. This is Claire, the new secretary. She is quite pretty. She is an aspiring beautician. She addresses Rency her roommate. Rency works in some office as a paralegal.
Claire
Don’t you think my face is glowing Rency?
Rency
Yeah Claire.
Claire
Thanks Rency. I went through a 3 day beauty treatment which I discovered.
Rency
What kind of treatment?
Claire
First day I placed curd on my face for 2 hours.
Rency
Yeah curd, I have heard of that treatment.
Claire
The second day I applied cucumber juice.
Rency
Cucumber juice, yeah I have heard of that too.
Claire
The third day I placed the skin of the chicken wings from KFC on my face.
Rency
Wow, I never heard of that before.
Claire.
It is working. I think I should patent it.
Rency
You should Claire.
Interior – Gopalan’s office – Cochin – Morning.
Gopalan is seated at his table, addressing Anjana his sole employee. She is also a lawyer who is married to a drunkard and to take care of her kids, uses Gopalan’s office to meet her own clients. She can’t afford to take out another office on rent. She has just been meeting a client who wanted some property documents verified before buying it.
Gopalan
Who was that person at your table?
Anjana
He was a client who wanted to divorce his wife because she beats him up for beating her up. I told him we don’t do divorce cases.
Gopalan
Anajana, did I tell you about the time back in the 90’s when Justice Krishnamurthy commended me on my oratory skills.
“ Anjana
No Sir, I never heard that before Sir.
Gopalan elaborates on the incident which Anjana is hearing for the umpteenth time.
Interior – Gopalan’s office – Cochin – Morning.
Anjana comes out of Gopalan’s room and takes her place at her table. Douglas is seated on a stool near her. Claire is at her table typing a document.
Douglas
Which story was it this time?
Anjana
The Krishnamurthy story.
Douglas
That old man has not been inside a court for the past 20 years. He is scared of Judges.
Anjana
Yeah I know. But one needs to take care of their kids. So I listen.
We see Gopalan step outside and call Claire into his room. Anjana and Douglas look at each other and smirk.
Anajana
The old man has taken quite a liking to her.
Douglas
Yeah. I was just wondering how I could make a few bucks out of this situation.
Interior – Gopalan’s house – Cochin – Evening.
Gopalan enters the house. Seema is seated on the armchair drinking vodka and smoking. On the couch is seated a man in his mid 40’s wearing a T- shirt with the words “Nirvana” embossed on it paired with a knee length shorts. This is Rajesh, their son, the rocket scientist.
Gopalan
(In delight)
Rajesh!
Rajesh
Dad!
Gopalan
Get up and give me a hug.
Rajesh gets up and gives Gopalan a hug.
Gopalan
How long are you here?
Rajesh
Forever dad.
Gopalan
Forever?
Rajesh
Yeah I achieved Nirvana dad?
Gopalan
Nirvana?
Rajesh
Yes Dad.
Gopalan
What is Nirvana?
Rajesh
It is a state of mind dad.
Gopalan
What is a state of mind?
Rajesh
Well Nirvana cannot be explained in words dad. The truth is wordless and formless.
Gopalan
How did you achieve Nirvana?
Rajesh
I mediated on the sound of one hand clapping dad.
Gopalan
So what do you propose to do here?
Rajesh
I want to participate in and win Roadies reloaded- The redemption season 14 dad.
Gopalan
What is roadies?
Rajesh
It is a reality show dad.
Gopalan
All the best son.
Rajesh
Thanks dad. See you later dad. Let me go up to my room.
Gopalan
All right son.
Gopalan also goes upstairs to his room. Seema who is sitting and watching this blows out a smoke ring.
Seema
Life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
Interior – Gopalan’s car – Morning
Douglas is at the wheels and Gopalan is at the back.
Gopalan
My brother wants to buy my property in Trivandrum Douglas.
Douglas
The brother who was in jail for tax evasion Sir?
Gopalan
Yes. He is a good soul though he is a fraud at heart. Anyway I need the money. Vodka is getting costlier by the day.
Douglas
Is he paying in white?
Gopalan
50 % white, 50 % black. What do you think my chances are with Claire? I have lost some more weight.
Douglas
As good as Salman going to jail , Sidhu stopping laughing and that bastard Sateeshan paying up on the bet?
Gopalan
Who the bloody hell is Sateeshan?
Interior – Gopalan’s office – Morning
Anjana is at her table talking to one of her clients. Gopalan enters the office and after smiling at Anjana enters his office. Gopalan asks Claire to come into his room, who follows him into his office. Gopalan goes and sits on his chair.
Gopalan
Do you have a boyfriend Claire?
Claire
No sir.
Gopalan
Good. Have you heard about the time Justice Krishnamurthy praised me for my oratory skills.
Claire
No sir.
Gopalan
Are your parents forcing you to get married?
Claire
No sir. I first want to become a beautician. Then get married. I have discovered a new beauty treatment Sir. I want to patent it.
Gopalan
What beauty treatment?
Claire
The first day I applied Papaya juice on my face.
Gopalan
Yeah my wife does that.
Claire
The second day I applied watermelon seeds on my face.
Gopalan
Yeah my wife does that.
Claire
Third day I applied the slices of Domino’s pizza on my face.
Gopalan
With or without toppings?
Claire
Just the crust Sir.
Gopalan
Great. Now you want to hear about the time Justice Krishnamurthy praised my oratory skills?
Claire
Yes Sir. I would love to.
Exterior – Gopalan’s House – Evening.
Gopalan’s car drives into the house. He gets out to encounter a strange scene. Rajesh in a t-shirt and shorts is using a rope and climbing up a coconut tree in the yard.
Gopalan
Son! What are you doing climbing up a coconut tree?
Rajesh stops midway up the tree and looks down.
Rajesh
I am preparing for the tasks on roadies Dad.
Gopalan
You might fall down and die. Be careful.
Rajesh
It won’t hurt Dad. I have achieved Nirvana.
Gopalan
All the best Son. Pluck a few coconuts while you are up there. We are running short of coconuts in the kitchen.
Rajesh
I will dad.
Seema is standing by the window watching and listening to all this. She is holding a glass of Vodka in her hand.
Seema
Life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
Interior – Gopalan’s car- Morning.
Douglas is at the wheels while Gopalan is at the back.
Gopalan
I love Claire, Douglas. I want to marry her.
Douglas
You should Sir.
Gopalan
How do I declare my love to her?
Douglas
Just tell her Sir. You are quite a charming man.
Gopalan
What are the chances she will accept, Douglas?
Douglas
As good as Chetan Bhagat winning the Booker prize, Priyanka Chopra winning the Oscars and that bastard Sateeshan paying up on the bet.
Gopalan
Who the bloody hell is Sateeshan?
Interior – Gopalan’s office – Evening.
Gopalan steps out of his room and calls for Anjana. Anjana goes into Gopalan’s office.
Gopalan
Take the day off tomorrow Anjana. You need a break.
Anjana
Sure Sir.
Gopalan
Where is the glue kept?
Anjana
It is in the cupboard near my table Sir.
Gopalan
Ok. Thanks Anjana. Will you ask Claire to come in here?
Anjana
Sure Sir.
After a short while Claire enters Gopalan’s room.
Gopalan
Claire, I need some important documents typed tomorrow morning. Can you come early in the morning tomorrow?
Claire
Sure Sir.
Gopalan
Can you ask Douglas to come in?
Claire
Sure Sir.
After a short while Douglas enters Gopalan’s room.
Gopalan
Douglas, take the car home and take the day off tomorrow. Tell Seema I have work to finish, and so won’t be home tonight.
Douglas
Sure Sir.
Exterior – Gopalan’s Office – Evening.
Claire steps out of the office. Douglas is waiting for her outside the gate.
Douglas
Claire, can I talk to you for a moment?
Claire
Yeah.
Douglas
I have heard you mention you want to be a beautician. I have heard you talk to Anjana.
Claire
Yeah, that is my plan.
Douglas
You will need some money to start your own spa won’t you?
Claire
Yeah.
Douglas
Gopalan Sir is in love with you.
Claire
He is? Jeez. I am young enough to be his daughter.
Douglas
That has never stopped him.
Claire.
So?
Douglas
We can con the old man out of some money. He sold a property and is sitting in on some black money.
Claire
How?
Douglas
Tomorrow he is going to declare his love for you.
Claire
How do you know?
Douglas
I know. Trust me.
Claire
Ok.
Douglas
So when he declares his love for you, lead him on. Then tell him you need some money.
Claire
For what?
Douglas
Tell him you are building a house in your native town or something.
Claire
Then?
Douglas
Then when you get the money, take off to Bangalore. I have heard there is a market for new Spa’s there.
Claire thinks this over.
Claire
How much cut do you want?
Douglas
50:50.
Claire
Let me think it over.
Douglas
What is there to think over?
Claire
Yeah that is true.
Douglas
Deal.
Claire
Deal.
Interior – Gopalan’s office – Next morning.
Claire opens the door and enters. Gopalan is sitting in the middle of the room on his knees with a bouquet of roses. All over the walls are placed huge posters with the line “I LOVE YOU CLAIRE”.
Claire acts a bit surprised and delighted.
Gopalan
I love you Claire.
Claire
I have always secretly been in love with you Sir.
Gopalan grins widely.
Gopalan
Really?
Claire
You are a charming man and have such great oratory skills.
Gopalan
Yeah I do. Justice Krishnamurthy has told me that once.
Claire
He was not lying.
Gopalan gets up and sits on a wide couch placed in the room for visitors to be seated.
Gopalan
Come here sweetheart.
Claire goes and sits beside Gopalan. Gopalan takes her hands in his.
Gopalan
Will you marry me Claire?
Claire
I will Sir. But…
Gopalan
But?
Claire
I come from a very poor family. I had promised my parents I would build a house for them. That is why I came to the city and started working.
Gopalan
Oh that is not a problem. I will give you the money. How much do you need?
Claire
20 lakhs will do Sir.
Gopalan
That is all right. Let us meet at Subash Park tomorrow. I will give you the money. But you must get married to me immediately.
Claire
I will Sir. But what about your wife?
Gopalan
I will divorce her.
Claire
Ok Sir.
Gopalan
Let me go home. I was up all night pasting these posters.
Claire
You are very imaginative sir.
Gopalan
Yeah I know. Justice Krishnamurthy once told me that I have a great sense of imagination after he saw some of the documents I wrote and submitted to him regarding a case.
Claire
He was right Sir.
Gopalan
I know. Let me go home. See you tomorrow sweetheart.
Claire
Yes Sir.
Exterior – Gopalan’s house – Morning.
Gopalan steps off an auto and enters through the gate. A spare tyre on fire is hanging off a mango tree in the yard. Rajesh runs towards it and dives straight through it.
Gopalan
Son what are you doing?
Rajesh
I told you yesterday right? I am preparing for the tasks on Roadies.
Gopalan
You might hurt yourself.
Rajesh
It won’t hurt. I have achieved nirvana.
Gopalan enters the house to be greeted by the sight of Seema on the armchair with a glass of Vodka in her hands.
Seema
Where were you last night?
Gopalan
I was working Seema.
Seema
Was it the old poster on the wall trick? Be careful, she might sue you for sexual harassment like the old secretary did. We don’t have any money.
Gopalan
(Protesting)
I was working Seema.
Seema does not answer. Gopalan goes upstairs. Seema blows a smoke ring.
Seema
Life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
Interior – Gopalan’s house – Afternoon.
Seema is on her armchair nursing her vodka. Rajesh pulls up a chair and sits beside her.
Rajesh
Have you seen Roadies?
Seema
No son.
Rajesh
Well the thing is if you have to get into the interview room first you have to get through the group discussion round.
Seema
Ok.
Rajesh
So I thought I will have to show I am different from the usual contestants.
Seema
And how will you do that?
Rajesh
I will remain silent during the discussion.
Seema
And?
Rajesh
After everyone has finished shouting I will put up my hand and say “Silence is golden”
Seema
Great.
Rajesh
That should impress Raghu and Rajeev.
Seema
Who are Raghu and Rajeev?
Rajesh
They are the Judges. Now I must leave. I have to practice standing up on my head and doing 10 push up’s.
Rajesh leaves. Seema blows a smoke ring.
Seema
Life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
Exterior – Subash park- Evening.
Gopalan and Claire are seated on a bench holding hands. A briefcase lies on the bench beside Gopalan.
Gopalan
I have made the arrangements at the registrar office. We must get married day after tomorrow.
Claire
Yes Sir. Have you bought the money?
Gopalan
Yes I have. Here take it.
Gopalan hands over thee briefcase to Claire.
Claire
I must leave now. It is getting late.
Gopalan
I will be waiting for you at the Registrar office day after tomorrow Claire.
Claire
Yes Sir.
Gopalan
I tried to invite Justice Krishnamurthy, but turns out he is dead.
Claire
Bye Sir.
Gopalan
Bye sweetheart.
Exterior – Ernakulum Railway station – Night.
Douglas and Claire are standing at the corner of the road. Claire hands over a bag to Douglas. Douglas checks the contents of the bag.
Douglas
When is the train to Bangalore?
Claire
It is in half an hour.
Douglas
All the best.
Claire
Thanks.
Exterior – Registrar’s office – Evening.
Gopalan is standing outside the office holding 2 huge garlands. Douglas is standing beside him.
Gopalan
She is late.
Douglas
Yes Sir, by 5 hours.
Gopalan
Let us drive up to her hostel and find out where she is. Maybe she is sick or something.
Douglas
We must.
Exterior – Ladies Hostel – Evening.
Gopalan’s car drives up to the hostel.
Gopalan
Go in and check where she is Douglas?
Douglas
Yes Sir.
Douglas goes into the hostel and comes out after a few minutes.
Gopalan
Where is she?
Douglas
She is gone Sir. The warden says she packed her things and left yesterday evening.
Gopalan slumps down on his seat. Douglas gets into the car and drives off. After a few minutes Gopalan speaks.
Gopalan
What do you think are the chances of her returning Douglas?
Douglas
As good as that bastard Sateeshan paying up on the bet Sir.
Gopalan
Who the bloody hell is Sateeshan?
Interior – Gopalan’s house – Night.
Gopalan enters the house and slumps down on the couch. Rajesh is seated on a chair looking rejected. Seema sits on her armchair nursing a vodka.
Rajesh
Why do you look so sad Dad?
Gopalan
Nothing Son. Why do you look so dejected?
Rajesh
They cancelled Roadies Reloaded- The redemption Season 14 dad.
Gopalan
Why?
Rajesh
Raghu and Rajeev have decided to float a political party with all the other Roadies winners’ dad.
Gopalan
Oh!
Seema blows up a smoke ring.
Seema
Life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
Gopalan
Seema. Can I ask you something dear?
Seema
Yeah Gopalan.
Gopalan
Who the bloody hell is Sateeshan?
The End
