By Dan O’Neill
Lydia Graham, the most prominent critic, social commentator and sexual adventuress of the 1970s,was actually born in Helena, Montana as Mary Quinn. She chose her first name from the song “Lydia The Tattooed Lady” from the Marx Brothers movie “At The Circus”, and the last name of an Oxford Don,who she met at a media conference in Berkeley and had one of her “weekend “marriages with in Oakland .Lydia had always adored the Marx Brothers and ended up having sex with all of them.Though ,not at the same time.(For the record she ranked Chico the best)She liked Professor Graham,because l he shared her opinion that Thomas Moore,like most so called saints was a fucked up fraud.She also had a fetish for tattoos.Three of her most famous ones we’re of :Clint, a marine she dated,while still in high school,Ti Grace Atkinson,with whom she did an obscene feminist stand up act.and John Paul Belmondo,her favorite movie star fuck.
In kindergarten,she reportedly remarked to a friend “I’ve got to get out of this God forsaken hell hole,or I will die an unfulfilled prodigy.”She left two years later to live with her aunt and uncle ,Carmel and Colin, and cousin Cecilia in Paso Robles ,California .She eventually ended up attending Stanford ,where her novel “Down on the Farm” published in her junior year, caused a scandal.In this tome,she included savage critiques of her professors teaching and fucking capabilities and ranked fellow students(both male and female) on a scale of 1-10.She was especially hard on the water polo and football teams.The book caused firings ,resignations and suicides.Lydia was denounced as a nutty nympho,a conniving dyke,and a hot to trot feminist,with a depraved agenda.She thought of herself as the reincarnation of Edna St.Vincent Millay.It was her mission to level the sexual playing field.She wanted to transform the nation’s concept of sex.
Lydia’s clique ,while at Stanford ,was known as the gang of four and consisted of: the soon to be super lawyer and comic book illustrator,Davona K.Harris(the sister of revolutionary Lisa T Gondoli,the mime turned bomber)the underground filmmaker Finstermocker Catouche( whose most famous film was a semi legendary version of “Dutchman” with Divine and Jimmy J.J. Walker ),and Whitaker Dehavre,the unisex fashion designer.who became a haiku writing nun in Appalachia .
Lydia was to become the most powerful influential critic in Hollywood history.She was treated with awe fear and contempt.Known as:
LG, the Lyd,The Gramster and to her enemies Graham Crackers,a demented Drambuie swilling groupie,and Lady Testosterone.If one went to a happening party there were two important questions asked of guests.What is your opinion of such and such movie and what do you think of that cunt Lydia Graham’s opinion ? In Hollywood it was the reigning opinion that the Lyd had more balls than most of the men she wrote about .She was called the mother of all ball breakers.Saying there were three types of men she usually met:wimps,eunuchs,and quick draw nerds.Her message to men was if you can’t play in the majors stick to the minors and don’t waste our fucking time.Lyfia considered the biggest perk of her fame that she was able to torture a higher class of men.
Lydia ,who always dressed in puce colored clothes,was a stunning sight,at ,6 feet tall,with shoulder length blonde hair. Because if her height she never wore heels,but,often favored suede boots.Since her senior year in college,Lydia was always accompanied by her bodyguards,Antonio and Orlando,brothers from El Salvador,who had once been her lovers (Orlando,the eldest,the got there first)but now devoted their lives to protecting and serving her.And, on special occasions,like their birthdays, they would have a threesome.Which they loved,since they had always been competitive as kids,starting with a grade school pupusa eating contest.(Antonio won) Speaking of pupusas,they were s Salvadoran fave,along with pan con pavo. Lydia was always on the lookout
something new and exciting to excite her taste buds.She mostly ate out at restaurants.feeling that breakfast was the only meal one could justify eating at home.She loved pecan pancakes, bacon and cheese omelettes, and Lyonnaise potatoes Lovers that could cook these dishes had a special place in her heart.
Lydia started reviewing film at college and created such a stir she soon began writing for magazines like “Cumming Attractions,”Sight and Sound , “Movie Maven Mayhem”,” Film Quarterly” ,”Outtake Frenzy”and and lecturing on college campuses,where she began to collect disciples known as Lydiators Her first collection of reviews was entitled “Bijou Baby” .In it , she claimed to have been conceived in a movie theatre(her parents vehemently denied this).Lydia also announced she lost her virginity at a movie house.She never disclosed the theatre or the movie .Though several movie houses had plaques claiming ,” Luscious Lydia lost it here “.And ,many directors said that Lydia had privately confided in them that their movie was the backdrop to her first fuck.Most experts felt that it must have been either a western or a foreign film since those are the ones she wouldn’t have paid much attention to anyway. The list of possible men had been whittled down to 19 possibilities .None of the possibilities denied having sex with Lydia in a movie theatre,so several cinematic sleuths we’re trying to track down Lydia’s lug.
Lydia was infamous
for booing or cheering movies at screenings.There were bootleg recordings of her sighing and,moaning at screening.She could often be heard muttering “Can you believe the cojones they have to release shit like this!”.She was banned from.so many previews that she brought her own chair with her and was carried into screenings by Orlando and Antonio on it.Since the excuse usually given for keeping her out was overbooking she figured she would preempt their critique blocking. Her boys.,Antonio and Orlando ,never sat themselves. Instead, they stood like soldiers around her in case someone tried to disturb her concentration during a movie. Lydia also liked to go movie slumming
In theatres with what she called the ornery ordinaries.Her favorite movie chow was: hot dogs,root beer ,caramel corn , raisinets and ice cream bon bons. .Lydia felt, like with lovers ,you only had to experience fifteen minutes of a movie to know if it was any good,” You can tell right away if someone is a good fuck .”It’s the same thing with movies honey she said to a reporter,if it doesn’t make me wet,it’s not worth discussing.”
Lydia was fed up with the pathetic patriarchy.She organized a siege of Lincoln Center to protest the old fogie films of John Ford and Howard Hawks .She indicted the male followers of these so called icons as stunted adolescents,who still wanted to play cowboys and Indians and big game hunters She said it was time for the old boy critics,with their cigars and brandies to be challenged and ousted.She was dubbed the Great Contrairian, out to destroy namby pamby careerists.
Lydia was known for enticing her favorite directors to submit double x rated versions of their movies to her.She loved movies that we’re heavy into violent sex The ones that we’re judged most erotic by her were invited to have sex .These sessions we’re described as; life transforming,incredibly intense,soul boggling ,and one thousand times better than the best sex you ever had.
Lydia’s downfall and death came about with her lulu of a liaison with Emperor Joe Jasinski(aka the Polish Cannon due to the size of his cock)Emperor Joe ,a name given him in high school because of his worship of Napoleon and Abel Gance. ran
Serendipity Studios in the Gower Gulch area of Hollywood.He said his goal was to turn out the highest grade erotic movies in the world.His critics claimed it was just arty -farty porn.With movies inspired by :Flaubert,Camus,Balzac, Dostoevsky and Melville,he claimed he was doing what those writers would have done had they been given the same freedom he now had.His highness felt that recording fucking could be an art form.He said he had slept with anything worth pumping in Hollywood and the world. His publicist said Emperor Joe was what Hugh Hefner pretended to be .Like great sex he wanted to take the audience into another realm of existence.Ultimately ,he wanted the world to have an orgasm to his work.”Can you imagine “,he asked, his royal blue eyes gleaming, “the whole world having an orgy to my films on a single day?”
Lydia and Joe’s fateful meeting was at La Scala restaurant in Beverly Hills.According to the gossip columns they had Cannelloni Lolita,veal tartufato and bottles and bottles of Cristal Champagne .It was lust at first sight as they exchanged stories of the celebrities they had boinked .Joe was fascinated that Lydia thought George Harrison was the best Beatle in bed and she was surprised that Dorothy Loudon was one of his top lays.Lydia confessed she had a Dungeons and Dragons script she had been trying to get produced for years.It featured a King and Queen of warring countries,who decide to settle their differences in a sex war.During their
titanic struggle they would reenact the history of male and female sexcapades from Adam and Eve till present day.That night The Emperor and the Gramster decided they would play the leading roles themselves.This would fulfill two of their fantasies,making the ultimate porn/art movie and fucking each other.
The next days shooting started with heightened security at Joe’s studio.Only selected crew members ,who had demonstrated loyalty and signed non disclosure agreements were allowed on set.And ,everyone was quaranteed to the studio,until the movie was finished.The first sex scene between Lydia and Joe was described later as a sexual atomic bomb going off.It drove the entire crew into a frenzy.From then on everyone abandoned any sense of right and wrong, decorum,concepts of decency or morality.It was a fuckfest that would have made the court of Caligula blush.Fueled by every drug known to man, they tried to outdo every porn movie ever made.They would do the movie De Sade and Bosch would have been proud of.Unfortunately or fortunately ,depending on your view,the shooting only lasted one week.It ended with the tragic deaths of Joe and Lydia and five others .Some said it was a accident during the recreation of blimp sex with the Hindenburg scene.Others said it was a bizarre murder suicide event and they were filming an actual snuff scene during the Georgeous Borgias episode.No copy of Lydia’s script was ever found.Nor was any footage of the movie ever discovered.The crew members who survived,either went into hiding or therapy(or both)Emperor Joe’s family said he would have liked to go out with a big bang bang. He felt Lydia to be the most provocative piece of ass in his erotic oeuvre. And,Lydia had always said death ,while doing the nasty ,was the ultimate eternal orgasm.A closed doors inquest ruled the deaths accidental . No charges were ever brought.It ended Hollywood’s search to combine porn and art.Ever so often,
someone would claim they had discovered the uncompleted film in some God forsaken place like Barstow,but it always turned out to be some hack’s idea of homage,or a film school prank.But ,people are still searching for it until this day. It was a film geeks Holy Grail.The stuff that wet dreams are made of.