By: Dan O’Neill

         I’m now into gardeners You may remember me ,Mike O’Brien,  actor extraordinaire.I finally won an Oscar for best actor in “Hit and Run”. In case you haven’t seen it ,I played Max Murphy,a serial hit and run driver trying to gain revenge,against all the rotten people in my life.I now have a house in Beverly Hills (near the Beverly Hills Hotel)and a  red  Lamborghini Diablo.If you don’t know me for my Oscar , Golden Globes and critics awards,you probably are aware of my title as Mr. Blockbuster .I supposedly have the third highest salary for an actor in the world.

                  I no longer arrange my own” dates”.There are just too many whackos out there.I might be stalked or physically harmed.And, there’s always the possibility of being outed.I’ve decided to stay in the closet.I’m not going to have a  fake paper marriage or have a beard girlfriend for a long ,long term engagement. But ,I’m not opening my life up to our oversharing social media. My so called fans didn’t deserve it. I’ve gone back to my old sex wrangler ,Jeremiah Jones.Jerry the jawbreaker ,knows the kind of  dudes I’m looking for. I told him give me in shape young Latinos.I don’t care if they claim to be straight,bi,tri, pansexual or Che Guevara ,if they can satisfy me I’ll be happy.Jeremiah and his team scout the prospects and do the background checks, making sure they have complete physicals,psychology exams,and backround  checks.Then after the trash has been weeded out,he presents me with the best choices available.Since I’m now fucking gardeners;every week he marches a troop of them into my garden and I take them one by one into my bedroom for further,close inspection.I would discuss my sexusl needs and  how well they could perform them.I would get them to tell me stories about their first gay experiences and what was the most interesting or exciting thing that ever happened in their lives.That way you weren’t having sex with a blank slate.But ,you didn’t have an overflow of

information and you could turn it on and off when you wanted.It made things,much easier,less complicated,less messy.It added a touch of spice and soul to the experience .You were making a live sexual fantasy come true.I found most of my current sexual encounters we’re much better than any of the porn online.

          Jeremiah has recently set me up with Hector from Uruguay,who told me his greatest fantasy was to be fucked so long and hard,that the walls of the building  we’re in would fall down.My next gardener will be Ritchie from Paraguay,which means I have fucked a guy from every country in Central and South  America Richie was born  Julio,but took the name Richie after his favorite singer Richie Valens.Richie’s a lousy singer,but I tell him he’s good and have him sing while we have sex.It’s kind of creepy,but very hot.His favorite tune  is “Oh.Donna”I  tell him he sounds  just like  his idol. Valens wasn’t as physically   smoking as Lou Diamond Phillips,who played him in the  movie.But,he was a dark beefy kid,who probably would have been a  real  tight fuck.Plowing a 50’s Latino ,Catholic boy,would have been more fun than this Paraguayan,but one had to make do  with what is available.

            I think my attraction to the La Bamba bitch might have something to do with both of my parents being buried in the same  San Fernando Cemetery  as Valens,along with my grandparents.I never went to see them buried,and haven’t been  to the cemetery since then.I had a  poor relationship with both of them during life,so it wasn’t going to  get  better,speaking to some  grave markers  II preferred to stay at home and scream obscenities at photos I kept of them  in my study.Sometimes ,I wanted to burn all the photos I had of them and my sister Mary,the Encino housenwife.

                         Mary,the martyr ,was married to a smug plastic surgeon named Kevin.Can you believe the cunt phones me and leaves messages trying to get invited to my premieres and to speak at her various clubs.My friend Carl ,who’s dying of colon cancer ,says I should have a reconciliation with my sister.Why ?She basically said my actions killed both of my parents.Called me out as a coward for not attending my father’s  funeral,after he blew his fucking head off.Mentioned it in her Christmas newsletter ,I think.Well fuck her and her bourgeois bullshit!.Carl thinks fame has made me very jaded and  a doubting Thomas .I think it’s just allowed me to  see life more clearly.I do send her kids  Paul and Jennifer presents on their birthday,though.I figure they’re innocent victims .

                      I now only do threesomes.I no longer kiss partners or suck or rim them.They suck me,and eat out my ass and then I fuck them.I’m also into brothers.Jeremiah has set me up with  Guatemalan’s ,Manuel and Marco.They are my Chapin bros .It makes me hard that they’re so eager to please me, they’ll do anything

         Manny,as he likes to be called is the oldest ,26,with a soccer player’s build.He  actually  plays soccer in some kind of league,.He has a beautiful culo.When I fuck him he usually comes and says.  “For only you Maestro!”He has a tiny penis though.When I first saw it  I Laughed out loud. I thought I was being pranked by Jeremiah

            He was embarrassed and said “It get bigger.I promise”.Like I could give a shit!But,boy his wife and girlfriends must have been shocked.He said he liked to eat pussy,so I guess they got some pleasure besides their vibrators.He has two kids   too.He actually introduced them to me hoping I’d give them some presents(I did,but I wondered if  years later if they’d think  back on it   and ask  Do You think daddy  was fucking that movie star?)Oh,well,l that’s between him and his family,I used to have some qualms about my affect on a dude’s family.But ,I think I got rid of that after my 300 hundredth fuck.I’ve been keeping a diary of  all of my lovers and it’s at 1,436 now.I’d like to record a guy’s physical appearance,emotional reactions,quirks etc.I know it’s madness to keep this journal.If it got out my career would be down the toilet like Kevin Spacy.I’d be branded a predator /monster.But, I can’t let go off it.One of my former shrinks said I was an emotional hoarder.I think he might have been right about that.All the money I spent and he only got one thing right.That list is an important part of my life.In a way it is my life.Someday I’ll have it to look at and I’ll remember bliss .I may never be able to tell the stories,but I’ll know.It would be my own private legacy.

            I like to make the two of them kiss and 69 each other.It obviously makes them very uncomfortable I enjoy their embarrassment ;the feeling that they’re betraying their family,their culture ,their religion. I really like making people ill at ease. The last time we are in  a session I bring out a plate of onion rings.I have each of them put them on my cock and eat them off.The one that gets me the hardest wins a special prize.

              One day as they are leaving Manny tells Marco to start the car and he’ll be  out  in a minute When Marco leaves, Manny tells me he’s sick of sharing sex with Marco and can just the two of us get together the next time. He says he’ll do anything to make me happy.I’m intrigued. I used to like playing guys against each other in the past .When they’re insecure and nervous they perform better.In sex I found it’s always better to keep people warming up in the bullpen.I’ve exhausted most of the fantasies I’ve had about them ,but this might be kind of fun.So , I start to see him and the sex is better.Mostly he talks about how Marco has always been his snot nosed, little weenie, brother.He was diagnosed with learning disabilities and never finished high school .They shared a bed in Escuintla,Guatemala.He’s very proud to be a Chapin.Marco was always a weird one ,seeing ghosts and orbs and hiding underneath the bed. He used to ask Manny  to cuddle and spoon with him.Manny wants me to pick him over little Marco. The  fucking fool  thinks this is some kind of audition.But,I like it.It puts me back in my twenties  So,I make plans tosee Marco secretly too

       Marco is 23,tall and really skinny.He loves having sex..He gets so  excited

screaming”Jesus,Jesus,Puta Madre”.He’a very hairy,which I usually don’t like that much.But, he has a nice ass that seems perfect for my cock.At first when he saw my 9 and ¾ inch  cock he looked kind of scared but then he said.”Big,but beautiful  senor.I want it inside.”

              I know he wants to fuck me too.One day he says “Mr.Mike  please  I go inside you a little bit?” I reply “Nunca  Marco.No verga en my culo”..He looked very sad and muttered “Muy  pinche Malo.” I.started having feelings for this guy .I knew from my past that this was fucking dangerous.Maybe if I had met him ten years ago,it might have worked but not now. Still,I suggested we  continue tosee each other alone without Manny and he’s very excited about this.He said “You and me good.I hate Manuel. He’s always been mean to me.He make me have sex with him.He says I go back to Guatemal if  I don’t do this.He says I’m a burro. He’s  a pendejo.He beats his wife and he beats me when he gets  boracho.Pick me senor  Mike por favor.”

             Jesus ,he too  was under the delusion this was some kind of contest.He would have won over Manny,but I wasn’t going to settle down with anybody.I did feel sorry for him.I told him he had to get rid of Manny if he was abusing him.But,I wasn’t going to be a social worker They had to work out their family troubles by themselves

        When he told me about  how he was afraid in school to speak in front of others and thought that Holden Caulfield was a whiny, ass bitch,I laugh because I felt the same way  .But, I realize he has crossed a line.This can’t continue.I’m falling in love with this nerd.I’ve played with these two long enough.Time to move on to a new twosome .I decide to tell Jeremiah the next day to break it off.Maybe I’ll try some Asian ass I’ve been shooting in Koreatown lately and have noticed the dudes are less hot headed,more tranquilI.I need less drama .

             I never make the call,because Jeremiah phones me at 5am to tell me Manuel and Marco had tried to kill each other in a  gunfight ,Neither were critically injured, but it created a mess for Jeremiah to clean up. He was going to make sure they were deported back to Guatemala  It was going to cost me more money,over his usual fee .Plus,he’s dropping me as a client .He was angry I hadn’t let him know about the friction between them. I didn’t tell him about the single sessions we had,or how I played them against each other.Why should I?He had given me two unstable  Chapins . They were defective merchandise .How could I have known they’d take the whole thing so seriously.I should actually sue Jeremiah , considering how much money I was paying him.But,I couldn’t handle the bad publicity.For now I think I’ll lay low and concentrate on my new role as a priest,who bombs churches.My   gardener  period was officially over. .

                         The End