Fiction

The Bread

By: Alan Berger 

Know what it was that inspired his decision?

 It was when he saw that Donald Trump Jr. grew one and even though he looked liked a mad dog foaming at the mouth, ears, and nose with crappy hair from God knows where, he thought it looked cool. Sexy, and masculine and if it worked for that idiot, well, there you have it.

 Some get and got away with it, like Sean Connery, Ernest Hemingway.

But he was more like double 0 nothing, and Ernest Heming-lost his way.

Nope. Not a wise decision.

Just ask his wife.

If you can find her.

At about the same time he got his hair-brained idea he got a job assignment that took out of town for three weeks.

He came back with the flu and a beard.

She thought that he was just was to weak or whatever to shave and of course he would shave that thing off his face when he got well.

We know what happens with thought, don’t we?

She thought he would, but he did not.

Would not.

He wanted to become more natural in his life he explained.

His beard looked so ominous she was afraid of not only getting bacteria from it, but frontier too.

She saw him lying in bed with a thermometer in his mouth and a mirror in his hand gazing at his ever, growing crop.

She did not know what to do, until she did.

She would fight hair with hair, and she stopped shaving her pretty legs that he adored so much.

She wanted to be more natural in her life too, she notified him.

 That just made him stroke his beard more. Like a wise man, but this proved not wise.

That only drove her more nuts.

Good thing the kids were grown and out of the house.

Too bad the cat and dog had to witness it.

She was a lawyer and thought of suing him for cruel and unusual facial hair.

He was a carpenter and wanted to take a plane to her legs.

It was a standoff and a faceoff.

Gillette stock went on a downturn.

Next up was Old Spice and Lady Smell Good Hygiene Inc.

Toothpaste no longer became a morning or any other time regiment for both.

A sensory stalemate.

The question of sex was out of the question.

She announced that in lieu of any future anal sex, he would be lucky to be getting any annual sex.

He said he would rather hump a hairless male dog than her.

 Fine she said.

 Fine right back, she said.

Once upon a time they would shower together.

Now they would not shower at all.

This led to this, and that led to that.

They both eventually got fired from both their careers because while not stinking at their jobs, they stunk on their jobs.

Then.

She met a guy she liked and shaved her legs.

He met a girl who did not go for facial hair, and the bread did go away.

They got an of course divorce.

They both lived apart happily forever ever after.

And that my friends, is sometimes, how it all grows.

Categories: Fiction

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