In My Head
By Nancy Machlis Rechtman
So much time
Alone in my head
As I teeter
Not knowing which way to plunge.
Do I succumb to the darkness
And the thoughts
That my frenetic life
Managed to always keep at bay
Locked safely in the vault
Labeled Do Not Ever Go There.
But I choose the Novocaine
Shooting it deep
And sigh once it gets to work
Numbing the aloneness
Of never again being who I was
Or thought I still had time to be.
Because I am now made of stone
With no human touch, my humanity
Has withdrawn behind an almost impenetrable wall.
Yet I still believe that love can find me
Since there are microscopic cracks on the surface
Where it might seep in
Past the protective gear swaddling my heart.
But the concept is so perilous in these times
Of separation from the world
For emotions are so raw they are shards
That could pierce any armor
And just a touch could be cataclysmic
While a caress could shatter the careful construct that’s been erected
Holding it all together in theory.
One wrong move could turn it all to rubble
Until all that remains
Is the wreckage
Of what should have been
But maybe it was
And I just wasn’t paying attention.