Literary Yard

Search for meaning

By: Bharti Bansal

I have always fiddled with the idea of happiness;
Of being like my mother; sacrificial and toying with this act of compromises
So everytime someone showed me that I could be loved too, I ran
I ran towards them until I could hold them with my eyes closed
I ran towards them with little ribbons of hope in my hands; you see tying a knot can be a promise too.
Love has always been hiding in the most visible corners of my life
My mother’s lap
Or my father’s twinkling eyes on receiving a gift from me
Or perhaps the way my sister stands in front of me with a straight face, dances a little and then vanishes away into her room just like that
I think the safest way to love is by holding hands
Perhaps it is the craziest way too
So I have been extending my hand out to anyone who smiles at me
Which is to say that I haven’t learnt my lesson still
But as this mind is starting to take over my helpless body, I can only write this craving for being wanted by putting up hints about where to find me
Nobody is searching for me.
My mother has always talked about giving up as a love language
And even though I want to be like my mother
Sometimes I wish to be the receiver
Of everything intense
Willingness to live
But as I grow up and apart from the friendly world,
I see everything through the dichotomy of good and slightly bad but not bad enough to be the worst
This has saved me from previous heartbreaks which still happened like flash floods
Never warning me enough to move away
And though my life is a reflex of a comatose person
A knee jerk reaction really
I still find it amusing to be told that it is the best they have seen in a while
I am growing slowly like people in love do
Too far to see the mistakes
Too close to see the reasons
Yet everytime when I want this ocean flourishing inside my lonesome heart to spread like all things light
I witness a rising tide starting to dissolve everything in me
As if all this while I was just salt
As if nothing in me is worth returning to the shore

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