By Emily Breen

Love Notes

I wrote heartfelt love notes before I knew what love was
Before I knew what like was
And while I was writing them I knew I felt every emotion that came close to love

And looking back at these little love notes as a grown woman
I would say somehow, I came pretty close to the feeling
But it was how I described love is what I got wrong

The emotion was always there, but in every note, in every letter, there was desperation
That is because I saw love not just as an emotion but as an action
That action being someone saving me
Because growing up in the environment that I did all I dreamt of was someone showing up
One day and saving me
To bring me into a different reality
That was my idea of love

I never had anyone to model what it actually looked like
I just knew it had to be better than what I knew
What I was used to

Nowadays, I feel someone who loves me is safe, healthy, passionate, smart, creative, patient
And I know love is a two way street
But I’ll save all that for another one of my love notes
For love is the best we can be

###

I Understand

I understand why you did it
Why you chose his side
I’m not saying I agree with you or that I can forgive you
I’m just saying I get it

And you ask as someone who hates this person’s guts with my very being
With everything I have in me
How could I possibly understand?
First off, I get you

You are someone that is so damn loyal that you would stay with a person no matter what
No matter what faults they have
You are also compliant
Never looking to cause trouble or get in between things
Never looking for a fight
You would do anything to avoid that

Growing up as a loyal person, as more people started recognizing this man’s faults
Or the trauma he had caused
You couldn’t help but feel like this man was the last boy picked in gym with no one rooting for him
In your mind it was your job to protect him because no one else was but why would we based off all the destruction he caused

I get it
You wanted to protect him
But he was never the one who needed protecting

Second reason I understand why you went along with everything he had to say
Was well because from an early age I figured out his master game
I know all his moves and all his lines
You may not have seen it
But I can’t blame you because he’s quite the actor and he’s good at his lies

What I’m saying I guess is I understand it
I understand why you did it
And I understand how he works
But the logic doesn’t make it any easier
Because the betrayal still hurts

###

Watch Behind the Curtain

I don’t know how I ended up here
Was it out of choice?
Was it out of force?
Was it out of fear?

How did I become part of the stage crew
Hiding behind a curtain all my life
Not knowing what to do

When everyone else is on stage
And I’m
I’m back here

I watch everyone go through life
Meanwhile I’m frozen in fear
All of my life everyone has asked me what to do
And while I have little to no experience in most things somehow I always knew

I had been watching, studying from behind the scenes for so long
The stage felt as though it was gone

I knew it was time to step away from the shadows though
It was time to become the lead of my own life
Time to take center stage of my own show