By: D A Angelo

Housefly

A man accidentally swallowed a fly and didn’t turn into one. A fruit machine of quantum mechanics pulled its arm like a Douglas Adams plot device and the man shifted into a ham sandwich, a crooning banana, and a talking pile of Lego bricks, before settling into an inflatable cactus. A housefly in the nearby vicinity was very confused.

Spam, spam, spam 

Is your mouth full of broken stalactites? Papa Onyeneke can help. Heart origamied into a flown away swan? Papa Onyeneke can help. Half-eaten pizzas remind you of a lover? Papa Onyeneke can help. Seeing the future in dying begonias? Papa Onyeneke can help. Parents slowly turning into mannequins? Papa Onyeneke can help. Concerned about the sky exploding into desire? Papa Onyeneke can help. Fretting over houseflies spreading rumours? Papa Onyeneke can help. Worried about cacti pilfering the neighbourhood water supply? Papa Onyeneke can help. Call Papa Onyeneke today for all these problems and more. Papa Onyeneke is not responsible for any side effects, including transforming into a pygmy goat, having a swirling galaxy instead of a head, and clouds of parakeets flying out of your mouth when asleep. E & OE.

Ukraine

A group of matryoshka dolls enjoyed the high life: rivers of caviar, the finest champagne, living among ornate palaces carved out of the moon itself. Come summertime, retreating to a sunset shaded dacha in the countryside. Nobody saw the Arctic fox slipping into the blizzard turning Russia into a snow globe. Nobody saw it with the matryoshka dolls in its jaws, leaving a trail of splinters from Moscow to the Black Sea. The land would be barren for centuries. Of this, they would be certain.