Screenplay: Dad, I am having a heart attack
By Balu George
Interior – Karthik’s Bedroom – Night – 2 AM.
A boy in his mid– 20’s is asleep on the bed. This is Karthik, a Tamilian who suffers from anxiety disorder. He is tall, dark and handsome. He is unemployed and his favourite past time is watching American sitcoms of the nineties like Friends, Seinfeld etc. His phone rings. He wakes up and looks at the alarm clock by his bedside. The clock shows the time to be 2 A.M. He looks at the phone for a moment or two and then picks up the phone.
Voice on Phone
This is a very important call. Don’t disconnect.
Karthik immediately disconnects the phone and places his hand on his chest. He then gets up and walks out of the bedroom.
Interior – Hall – Karthik’s House – Same night.
Karthik knocks on his parent’s bedroom door. The door is opened, after some time by a balding man, dressed in a T-shirt and lungi. He looks groggy. This is Narayana swami, Karthik’s father who is a retired government employee.
Swami
What do you want?
Karthik
Dad, I got a call.
Swami
Who from?
Karthik
I think it is from the Prime Minister’s office.
Swami
Why on earth would you get a call from the Prime Minister’s office?
Karthik fidgets.
Karthik
I pissed in the swimming pool today.
Swami
So?
Karthik
Somebody must have noticed and complained to the PMO. They are quite serious about the “Clean India” campaign. I am scared dad.
The phone rings again.
Swami
Pick it up.
Karthik takes the call.
Voice on phone.
This is an important call. Don’t disconnect. To speak in Hindi press 1. To speak in English press 2.
Karthik presses two.
Voice on phone
For hit Hindi songs as caller tone press 1. For hit English songs as caller tune press 2.
Karthik hangs up the phone and heaves a sigh of relief.
Swami
Who was it?
Karthik
It was an advertisement dad.
Swami
Idiot. Now go back to sleep.
Karthik places his hand on his chest.
Karthik
Dad, I think I am having a heart attack.
Swami
It must be gas. If you keep on thinking bad things will happen, bad things will happen.
Now go back to sleep.
Karthik leaves. Swami steps into the bedroom where his wife Kamalam is lying on the bed.
Kamalam
What was it this time?
Swami
(In exasperation)
Oh nothing. Just go back to sleep.
Exterior – Karthik’s Apartment – Morning.
Kamalam steps out of the house to collect the newspaper and milk packet. She notices a girl standing next door in her T-shirt and pyjamas looking at the paper. This is Harpreet, a girl from Delhi doing her MBA at a college in Bangalore. She is 22.
Kamalam
Hi. You moved in next door last week didn’t you? I am Kamalam.
Harpreet
Hi Aunty. I am Harpreet.
Kamalam
Where are you from?
Harpreet
I am from Delhi. I am doing my M.B.A here
Kamalam
Great. If you need any help, let me know.
Harpreet
Thanks Aunty.
Interior – Lift – Karthik’s Apartment- Morning.
Harpreet gets into the lift. She is greeted by the sight of 3 boys inside the lift. One is Karthik. The others are Sunil and Anil, two cousins from Kerala who live in separate flats on the same floor. Sunil is quite handsome and has a laptop bag slung on his shoulder. Anil is short,stocky and bespectacled.
Harpreet
Hi.
Sunil
Hi. I am Sunil.
Harpreet
I am Harpreet.
Sunil
What do you do?
Harpreet
I am doing my M.B.A
Sunil
Great. I am an M.B.A myself. I work as a Financial Analyst.
Anil interrupts the conversation.
Anil
I am Anil. I am an aspiring poet.
Harpreet ignores Sunil. She addresses Karthik.
Harpreet
What about you?
Karthik
I am Karthik. I do nothing as of now.
Harpreet
Oh ok.
The lift reaches the ground floor and everybody gets out.
Exterior – Harpreet’s College – Evening.
Harpreet is standing by a tea stall outside the college campus having a smoke with her friend Anjana.
Anjana.
So what you been up to girl?
Harpreet
Nothing. Girl, I need to lose my virginity.
Anjana
You need to girl. You are pushing 23. Any candidate?
Harpreet
Well, there are these 3 guys who live on the same floor as me.
Anjana.
Are they handsome?
Harpreet.
Well, there is Karthik. He does nothing, but is very handsome. There is Sunil. He is an M.B.A. He is quite handsome. The 3rd guy is plain ugly. One of those arty farty guys. Says he wants to be a poet.
Anjana
All the best girl.
Exterior – Badminton court –Apartment – Evening.
Sunil and Anil are playing badminton, while Karthik is seated on a bench nearby.
Sunil
What you been up to Karthik?
Karthik
I am watching all the seasons of Friend’s again.
Sunil
Yeah Friends is great.
Anil
I have never watched Friends.
Karthik
You must watch Friends dude.
Harpreet approaches the bench on which Karthik is seated and sits beside him.
Harpreet
Hi.
Karthik
Hi. What do you want?
Harpreet
You are handsome.
Karthik
So?
Harpreet
I will be direct. I am straight forward. Do you want to have sex with me?
Karthik
Are you crazy? I might catch Aids.
Harpreet
I don’t have Aids.
Karthik
All women in Bangalore have Aids.
Harpreet
We could use a condom.
Karthik
Are you crazy? Condoms have only a 99% guarantee. That is how Rachel got impregnated by Ross. Have you not watched Friends?
Harpreet rolls her eyes.
Harpreet
Whatever!
Exterior – College – Evening.
Harpreet and Anjana are standing by the tea stall having a smoke.
Anjana
Anything happened?
Harpreet
I propositioned Karthik. He is crazy. He says he might catch Aids.
Anjana.
Wow! That is the craziest thing I have ever heard.
Harpreet
I am thinking of approaching Sunil. He is an M.B.A.
He might have some sense in him.
Anjana
All the best.
Exterior – Swimming pool – Apartment – Evening.
Sunil is swimming, while Anil is sitting by the pool reading a poetry book. Harpreet comes to the swimming pool and plunges in. She swims to Sunil.
Sunil
Hi.
Harpreet
Hi. How is work?
Sunil
Work is great.
Harpreet
What do you do?
Sunil
I do V- lookup, H- lookup’s and Pivot tables.
Harpreet.
Those are functions on excel. What exactly do you do?
Sunil scratches his head
Sunil
I have not figured that out yet. Anyway this is a temporary thing. I have a great idea for a start up.
Harpreet
What?
Sunil
Have you ever been to Cochin?
Harpreet
No.
Sunil
Well the idea is to start snorkelling in Cochin.
Harpreet
Are there any exotic fishes?
Sunil,
No, I have this friend who is a software engineer. He is coding to create artificial fish.
Harpreet
Really?
Sunil
I pitched the idea to a few venture capitalists in Silicon Valley. One guy is excited about the idea. We are corresponding by mail.
Harpreet.
Ok. Can I ask you something?
Sunil
Yeah sure.
Harpreet.
I will be direct. I am a straight forward person. Do you want to have sex with me?
Sunil
Are you crazy?
Harpreet
Why would you not want to have sex with me?
Sunil
I want to be the next Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. I can’t be thinking about sex.
Have you not heard what Swami Baluananda has said?
Harpreet
What did he say?
Sunil
He said one must preserve his sexual energy and channelize it to achieve one’s goals in life.
Harpreet rolls her eyes.
Harpreet
Whatever!
Harpreet swims to the side of the pool and gets out. Anil approaches her.
Anil
Hi.
Harpreet
Hi.
Anil
Can you help me out?
Harpreet
(Irritated)
What do you need?
Anil
Well I am attending this poetry slam next Saturday. I want you to hear the poem I have written. I have not shown it to anybody. Not even to my girlfriend Sanjana who herself is a poet.
Harpreet
Ok. Show it to me.
Anil takes out a piece of paper and shows it to Harpreet. It goes like this.
Poem
The light, the light!
The dark, the dark!
The see saw, the see saw!
Sanjana! Sanjana!
The coconut tree is swaying in the wind!!
Harpreet reads it.
Harpreet
I did not understand a thing.
Anil smiles.
Anil
It is layered. I will explain it. It is about how the positive forces within one’s soul is always in conflict with the dark forces raging in one’s soul just like two children on a see saw. The seven exclamation marks represent the seven continents and how this conflict is going on in the heart of people all over the world. Subtle right? Sanjana! Sanjana! is a declaration of love to my muse.The coconut tree line is a nod to romantic poets like Wordsworth who described nature beautifully. As I told you, it is multi layered.
Harpreet rolls her eyes.
Harpreet
Whatever!
Interior – Karthik’s house – Night.
There is a knock on Narayana swami’s bedroom. Swami opens the door to find Karthik clutching his chest.
Swami
What do you want idiot?
Karthik
Dad, I am having a heart attack.
Swami
It must be gas.
Suddenly Karthik falls down. Swami is alarmed.
Swami
(Shouting)
Kamalam, wake up. He is really having a heart attack.
Kamalam jumps out of bed, and rushes to Karthik’s side who is writhing in pain.
Swami
(Crying a bit)
I always told him, that if he thinks bad things will happen, eventually bad things will happen.
Swami gets up.
Swami
We must call the ambulance quickly.
2 days later
Interior – Karthik’s apartment – Morning.
Swami is seated on the couch looking quite depressed. Karthik is seated nearby, laughing while watching Friends. Kamalam is seated at the dining table. A lady walks into the apartment. This is Seema, a widow who is Anil’s mother.
Seema
When did he get discharged? Is it anything serious?
Kamalam.
Well we rushed him to the hospital. They did a MRI scan of his brain, A C.T scan of his stomach, anX-ray of his legs, a colonoscopy, and anendoscopy.They had us visit the dentist to check for gum disorder, had us visit the ophthalmologist to check for cataract and visit the psychiatrist to rule out schizophrenia,
Seema
So what was it?
Kamalam
It was gastrological disorder?
Seema
Is that serious?
Swami hurls a slipper at Karthik who ducks.
Swami
(Shouting)
It was bloody gas. Idiot! The bill came to 2 lakhs.
Seema
So why did they do all the tests?
Kamalam
They wanted to rule out everything.
Swami hurls the other slipper at Karthik who ducks again.
Swami.
Bloody idiot.
Exterior – Apartment – Swimming pool.
Harpreet is seated by the pool having a fag. Anil and Karthik come and sit by her. Anil looks quite depressed.
Harpreet
How did your poetry slam go?
Anil
Sanjana broke up with me. She said my poetry has no depth to it. She says I am not tortured enough to become a poet yet. She has asked me to read the Beat poets.
Harpreet rolls her eyes
Harpreet
Whatever!
Karthik
The best way to get out of depression is to watch Friends. I will lend you the C.D’S.
Anil
Yeah ok.
Exterior – College- Evening.
As usual Harpreet and Anjana are by the tea stall having a smoke.
Anjana
Any luck, girl?
Harpreet
The handsome guys turned out to be idiots. I am desperate. I am thinking of doing it with the poet. He has just broken up. He will not turn me down.
Anjana
All the best girl.
Interior – Karthik’s house –Evening.
A crying Seema, with Sunil by her side rushes into the house. Swami is seated on the couch watching T.V. Kamalam is at the dining table cutting vegetables. Kamalam looks up.
Kamalam
What happened Seema? Why are you crying?
Seema
5 lakh Rupees have been stolen from my bank account.
Kamalam
Oh my God!
Swami.
Did you give your bank account number or password to anybody? There are a lot of fraudsters going around.
Seema
No.
Sunil scratches his head.
Sunil
Well I gave it to a venture capitalist in Silicon Valley who wanted to transfer funds to the account for my start up.
Swami.
Who was this guy? What was his name?
Sunil
Tom Dick Harry of Tom Dick Harry incorporated.
Swami pulls his hair.
Swami.
You idiot, you have been duped. Tom, Dick or Harry is an American expression.
Seema removes her slippers and beats Sunil.
Seema
You idiot! You idiot!
Exterior – Swimming pool – Same evening.
Anil is by the pool reading Allen Ginsberg. Harpreet comes and sits beside him.
Harpreet
Hi.
Anil
Hi.
Harpreet
How are you?
Anil
I am getting out of my depression. Friends is great. How are you?
Harpreet
Well, can I ask you something?
Anil
Yeah sure.
Harpreet
I will be direct. I am a straight forward person? Do you want to have sex with me?
Anil
I don’t want to have babies right now. I want to be a recognised poet before I have babies.
Harpreet
We could use a condom.
Anil
Are you crazy girl? Have you not watched the episode where Ross got Rachel pregnant?
Harpreet grabs Anil, ducks his head into the pool and lets out a loud scream.
The End
