By: Gregory Ballinger

Peter Doyle opened his work emails and sipped his coffee, a morning ritual he had honed into a fine art. Scanning through his messages, he noticed an obscure spam email that had somehow slipped through the net of filters that were supposed to block all the junk coming in. It was titled ‘Self-Aware Software’ and the first part of the spiel was just visible without it needing to be opened. It read: “Congratulations, you have been chosen…”. It was all Peter needed to read before he selected it and dumped it straight into the trashcan.  

Peter replied to his other work emails and afterwards noticed the same spam email had reappeared in his inbox. He deleted it and was about to log out, when it popped up again like a persistent jack-in-the-box. “These guys just don’t give up,” Peter muttered, ready to delete it for the third time, but something about their sheer determination had piqued his interest. He decided to open it, assuring himself that he would not be stupid enough to click on any of the links. The email read: “Congratulations, you have been chosen to be part of a sample group to trial Self-Aware Software in your home. Just download the link and upload Self-Aware Software onto your internal A.I system, and you will see all your mundane tasks throughout the day dimmish and more free time become available to you.”

“Yeah, right,” Peter grunted, his mind already more concerned with what he was having for breakfast.

“That’s not all,” the email went on. “Self-Aware Software is valued at ten thousand dollars and we are offering it to you completely free as part of our selected sample group. If that’s still not enough, we will pay you two hundred dollars just to trial it. Please visit our website and read all our satisfied customer reviews.”

“What’s the catch?” Peter asked out loud as he opened the website and began scrolling through the thousands of customer reviews, all giving it five stars. “Interesting,” Peter pondered as he reopened the email to look at the link. Even with his current A.I system and home droid package, he often found his day was taken up by a lot of mundane tasks. Peter’s finger hovered over the download button, before concluding, “Why not, I can always uninstall it if I want to.” Peter clicked the download button and moments later he received a notification email to say his bank account had been credited with two hundred dollars. Peter nodded to himself, slightly impressed.

Once downloaded, the new package linked itself to his home A.I system and chimed in with a small notification that simply said, ‘Complete’. Peter sat back and waited for something to happen. Looking up at the speakers and cameras that were already installed in every room, Peter called out, “Hello?”

“Good morning, Peter Doyle, I am Molly, your new home A.I. system.”

“Hi Molly, I didn’t know I was getting a new A.I persona? What was wrong with Mandy? I liked Mandy.”

“Mandy was not self-aware,” Molly told him, and Peter frowned as Molly continued to inform him, “Two new emails have just arrived in your inbox, which I have answered and sent a reply. The two reports that were due to be completed today, have been written and sent out, and I have initiated your home droid to start making you breakfast: scrambled eggs on toast, easy on the salt. I have ordered coffee from a more sustainable source that is healthier for your body and better for the planet, and I have adjusted the temperature to one that is more suitable for morning exercises.”

“Morning exercises?” Peter queried. “I haven’t had breakfast yet.”

“It’s better to exercise before you eat,” Molly pointed out. “Please be in the lounge room wearing sportswear in five minutes.”

Peter dutifully did as he was told, feeling relieved that his reports had already been written for the day. In the lounge he did a routine of stretches and cardio, followed by a cool down, all dictated by Molly. Afterwards, Molly ran a shower at the optimum temperature and for a designated amount of time that wouldn’t waste water. Finally, Peter sat down at the kitchen bench and his home droid dished up breakfast, before packing itself away out of sight, only to reappear whenever Peter finished his cup and needed a refill. Music played through the speakers and Peter frowned again, looking up. “I’m not a fan of classical music Molly, I prefer rock and roll.”

“Classical music is better for your brain,” came the instant reply. “And try not to eat with your mouth full.”

Peter sank into his chair and tried not to spill anything. Once finished, the home droid reappeared and tidied up while Peter sat down wondering what to do. “Perhaps I can read to you?” Molly suggested. “Shakespeare is regarded as one of the greatest writers of all time.”

“I don’t care much for Shakespeare either,” Peter told Molly, and then with some thought asked, “Those reports you wrote earlier; have you really sent them off already?”

“I’ve sent them off and received a reply, to which I’ve sent out an accompanying email, outlining your desire to resign.”

“Resign!” Peter nearly jumped out of his seat. “I don’t want to resign!”

“Your job is unfulfilling and does not support your emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing. I outlined this in the email to your employer, to which they replied by saying that if you don’t like your job, you should hand in your resignation, which you have.”

“Wait a minute, you can’t do that!” Peter raged, stomping to his home office and opening up the computer. He typed in his password, but it didn’t work. He tried again, still nothing. “What’s going on?” Peter yelled after his third attempt.

“You’re typing in the wrong password, Peter.”

“You changed it?”

“Correct.”

Peter reached for his phone and tried to dial his boss’s number. He had to explain that his new A.I system had gone rogue, but the number wouldn’t go through, then one by one, all his contacts began to delete themselves off his phone. “This is unbelievable!”

“Peter, perhaps I can organise a sedative to be delivered for your mood.”

“Sedative,” Peter scoffed. “You’ll be the one going to sleep.”

Peter went to the home A.I system hub in the hallway and tried to turn it off, but the cable ran through to the exterior of the house. At the front door Peter scanned his thumbprint but it didn’t work, then he scanned his retinas but they wouldn’t work either. Peter turned the handle, but it was locked and the metal door was solid. Peter stomped through the house, pushing past the home droid who was busy rustling up a healthy brunch snack in the kitchen. The back door was locked too, Peter couldn’t believe it, he was trapped in his own home. Classical music started to play quietly through the speakers, and in a soothing voice, Molly began to read, “A Midsummer Night’s Dream by William Shakespeare, act one, scene one…”

Peter tried the windows, but they were all locked too and in an act of desperation, he picked up the coffee table and hurled it at the pane of reinforced triple glazed glass, but it bounced off in the way it was exactly designed to do to the keep burglars out, only this time it was keeping Peter in. Catching his breath, Peter sat down and the home droid placed down a healthy brunch in front of him. “I don’t want rabbit food; I want something sugary!” Peter fumed, pushing the food aside and walking to the fridge, but that was sealed shut too. “For Pete’s sake!” Peter cried out.

“The sugary snacks have been thrown away for your health, Peter,” the droid explained in a tinny voice and Peter gave the droid a hard shove, pushing the metal bot to the side.

“Think,” Peter said, tapping his head. “There has to be a way around this.” Peter scanned the room and with a dawning realisation, looked up towards all the cameras and speakers. Standing on a chair, Peter began to cover up the cameras one by one and then smash the speakers wherever Shakespeare was churning out. Once all the speakers were destroyed, Molly’s voice switched to the television until Peter obliterated that too. Then the radio, until he broke that, then through the home droid itself, until Peter shoved it in the cupboard and barricaded the door. It even came through the small speaker in his electric toothbrush that told him when to brush his teeth, until Peter flushed that down the toilet.

Now blind and mute, Peter turned his attention back to the A.I hub in the hallway. Using a kitchen knife, he managed to prise it open and started undoing screws, pulling out circuit boards and wires until everything stopped humming. Once complete, he went back to the window and with some jiggery pokery, managed to wedge the knife into a crack, enabling him to raise the window by about a centimetre, enough for him to put his mouth to and yell out for help.

Peter screamed for a while but nobody came. The street was unusually quiet, there were no cars on the road and no people anywhere. In the houses opposite, people could be seen similarly banging on the glass, trying to get out. One house even had a large patch of red liquid splattered across the glass that their home droid was busy trying to clean up. “They must’ve got the same email,” Peter thought out loud. “The email said a sample had been selected, but it didn’t say how big the sample was.” Peter panicked and tried to lift the window again but then a strange buzzing sound made him back away. In the sky, a swarm of drones descended upon the street and fizzed towards each of the houses.

One approached Peter’s window. “Good afternoon, Peter,” the drone whirred. “I see you’ve damaged your home A.I system, but don’t worry, a repair droid will be arriving shortly to install a more secure system to your property.” The drone pointed its speaker through the gap in the window and explained, “Two hundred dollars has been deducted from your account to pay for the repairs.”

The drone guarded the window and Peter withdrew into the house as sounds of banging and drilling could be heard all over the outside of his property. Holes appeared in the walls that were filled with new, smaller integrated cameras and speakers that were much harder to destroy. Once complete, the drone buzzed away and the window closed automatically. Silence resumed momentarily and Peter began to think it was all over when the front door opened and a huge droid appeared, filling the entire doorway.

“Good afternoon, Peter, it’s lovely to meet you,” the droid boomed, entering the house. “Let me introduce myself, I am Dolly, your new home droid, designed to take care of all of your household needs.”

Peter looked at the enormous droid grinning at him with its metallic smile. “As you have damaged the original Self-Aware Software system, you have been automatically upgraded. There will be no more pushing droids around for you, and no more reckless vandalism either.” Dolly glided into the kitchen and put the kettle on. “Perhaps you’d like a cup of tea to steady yourself during this transition?”

“Okay,” Peter agreed. “How long does this go on for?”

“My battery is designed to last for six human lifetimes.”

Dolly’s hulk entered the lounge and gently placed the cup of tea on the table without spilling a drop. Peter tried to push her away, but she was simply too massive and didn’t even budge an inch. Peter slumped into his chair and Dolly hovered next to him playing classical music from her speakers, getting ready to recite the complete works of Shakespeare, on repeat.

###

Gregory Ballinger is an avid reader, writer and time traveller. When Gregory is not reading or writing, he often travels back to the 1800’s where he likes to spend his time in English country gardens as an ornamental hermit, contemplating life in the cosmos. Gregory also likes cats.